Disenfranchised Grief by Doris Zagdanski

About disenfranchised grief

Loss is one of the most common experiences that brings about grieving, but some types of losses are just not recognized and so we have to keep them hidden. This means we can’t grieve about them openly either.

Disenfranchised grief is a concept that was first described by Kenneth J. Doka in 1989. He defined disenfranchised grief “as grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned”.

When does disenfranchised grief happen?

 When the relationship is not recognised – such as the close ties of friends, a secret lover, same sex couples, foster parents, colleagues, roommates, teenage romance, step parents & step children.

 When the loss is not acknowledged – death of an ex-spouse, miscarriage, abortion, having a disabled child, being an adopted child, placing a child up for adoption, pet loss, financial ruin, loss of home/personal possessions, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, loss of hair/physical appearance due to chemotherapy or illness, death of a public figure/personal hero you admired, death that occurs to people you are not personally acquainted with such as victims of war, natural disasters, crime, capital punishment, misadventure – that touches you.

 When the griever is excluded – thought to be too young, judged as not central to the relationship, overlooked due to culture, mental disability or ageing. It could be the loss of access to grandchildren or extended family because of divorce or conflict.

 When the circumstance is taboo – suicide, AIDS, drug overdose, anorexia.

Sometimes grief can be disenfranchised by well-meaning family and friends when they set a time limit on your grief or expect you not to cry or encourage you to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’. This can result in the griever feeling more lonely, misunderstood, more isolated. It doesn’t help when support and comfort that are offered for other losses, that are perceived to be ‘acceptable,’ are not as readily on offer to you.

Remind yourself that you are the best expert on your grief.

Your loss is real, whether or not other people recognise it.

Your grief is what you say it is,

because you are the one going through it.

Doris Zagdanski BA Dip Ed

Doris Zagdanski is a leading figure in modern day grief and loss education. Her seminars are included in vocational qualifications in Allied Health, Counselling and Funeral Directing. Her books and free factsheets are available at www.allaboutgrief.com.

National Association for Loss & Grief (NSW) Inc Home Page

National Association for Loss & Grief (NSW) Inc Home Page

Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement

Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement  Grief is a lonely journey but no-one should have to walk alone.  The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement offers counselling and support to the bereaved.

Children and Grief

Click on the link above for information about dealing with grief and loss in children and young people.

  

www.funeralcelebrants.org.au

Children and death

Children at the Deathbed

The topic of children and death is a hard one for many people in our society. Keeping kids sheltered is thought to protect the children so that they will not suffer as much. However, when we keep children away from a dying family member or don’t allow kids to attend a funeral we cut them off from the cycle of life. In addition, children realize they have been “left out” and because of this, some children can grow up feeling excluded in other important activities as they go through life.

One of the important ways children learn about death is through socialization. If we do not allow our children to socialise and learn the process of death then they will not know how to cope with loss when they are adults. Death is a natural part of life. In this instance, it most likely will not be as traumatic for these children to be with their mum as you might think–as long as you discuss what death is and where people go after they die. Since discussing death in our western society is a difficult subject for people, this topic is usually handled with evasiveness. Encourage the family of the children to discuss the death of their mother openly and honestly. Be sure to answer any questions the children ask honestly using correct terminology.

The kids are going to comprehend death differently depending on their ages. The seven year old in this case perceives death differently then his/her siblings. Children ages four to seven DO know something is wrong. They think in black and white so it is very important for the adults not to say something like “Mummy is going to heaven in an airplane.” The child will literally think this is happening. The older children can think in conceptual terms and do understand people die and go elsewhere.

I would suggest to the family that they utilise their local hospice, if there is one. The nurses through hospice are wonderful people who can explain in detail to the children the process of death and what might happen at each stage. They will know age appropriate words and concepts. They often can predict the time of death fairly closely. Sometimes dying people see loved ones that have passed away in the room with them and they might talk to them. Dying people can hear music that no one else hears and/or they may see sparkling lights. Prepare the children for behaviours that may have happened to others dying for similar reasons.

Having the kids present can help their healing down the road. I would make sure to have them part of a grief support group or make sure that they see a grief counsellor. One final thing to note is people don’t always choose to die with others present. Some people wish to die alone and will wait to pass until is someplace else, or it is the middle of the night.

Remember that the children need to honour their own feelings, as well as that of their mother. If they want to be at her bedside, then make that possible for them. If they do not want to be there, allow them to feel good about their decision to stay away. Either way, there should be no guilt involved with the choices the children make.

Death is hard regardless if you are in the room with the person or not. Assist your family to know what supports are available to them.

© 2010 Kelasan, Inc.

Children and Grief

Be honest to help kids cope with grief

By MARY GEISSLER
For the Herald
Thursday, February 25, 2010

Just as death is part of life, grief is an experience everyone will undergo at some time. Children who experience grief need comfort, support, and guidance-even when adults are also struggling with their own feelings of loss.

Preschoolers do not understand that death is permanent and happens to all living things. They usually see death as reversible and temporary, a belief reinforced by cartoon characters who die and come to life again. A young child may fully expect the return of a loved one.

A child’s grieving is not continuous, because a young child’s capacity to experience intense emotions is limited. A child’s grief is intermittent and brief, but, in fact, it usually lasts longer. The work of childhood mourning may need to be addressed at different times throughout the growing years — when school starts, during parent’s day at school, going to camp, etc.

A child may regress to younger behaviours. Your preschooler may want a bottle again; or temporarily become more infantile by demanding food, attention and cuddling; or talk baby talk. Patience and understanding is important.

After the loss of a loved one, a child may feel unsafe and fear may intensify. Children may express concern over what will happen if the remaining caregiver dies. When a sibling dies, the child may wonder if he or she is next.

Anger is common during grief. A child may feel that it just isn’t fair or even be angry at the person who died. Acting out and misbehaving are common. A child may get into fights, withdraw or become oppositional. Acknowledge your child’s anger to de-escalate its intensity.

The Children’s Grief Education Association offers some practical tips for telling a young child about an important death. They suggest considering having someone with you when you inform your child. Keep the message simple. Say “died” not “sleeping.” Answer questions honestly, but without going into detail, unless asked.

One question often asked is whether a child should attend the funeral. The Grief Association suggests letting the child decide what to do. Many children prefer to attend, while others prefer not to attend.

A child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go. However, honouring the person in some way (lighting a candle or looking at pictures) may be helpful. Preschoolers may have a difficult time sitting through a service, but may find it meaningful when they are older to know that they had a chance to say goodbye.

If a child will attend the funeral, prepare him or her for what they will experience. Will there be a body? Will there be highly expressive people at the service? Talk about what to expect. If there is a body to view, explain that their loved one is not hurting, hungry or cold.

If your family chose cremation, explain that the body was put into a room that was very, very hot until their bodies turned to soft, powdery ashes. Assure the child that the loved one experienced no pain during cremation.

Because a young child may show little immediate grief, you might think your preschooler is unaffected by the loss. Children may not fully process a deeply felt loss until their teenage years.

Children might express their sadness on and off over a long period of time. It can be painful to be reminded of loss again and again, but children need patience, understanding, and support to complete their grieving.