Children and Grief

Be honest to help kids cope with grief

By MARY GEISSLER
For the Herald
Thursday, February 25, 2010

Just as death is part of life, grief is an experience everyone will undergo at some time. Children who experience grief need comfort, support, and guidance-even when adults are also struggling with their own feelings of loss.

Preschoolers do not understand that death is permanent and happens to all living things. They usually see death as reversible and temporary, a belief reinforced by cartoon characters who die and come to life again. A young child may fully expect the return of a loved one.

A child’s grieving is not continuous, because a young child’s capacity to experience intense emotions is limited. A child’s grief is intermittent and brief, but, in fact, it usually lasts longer. The work of childhood mourning may need to be addressed at different times throughout the growing years — when school starts, during parent’s day at school, going to camp, etc.

A child may regress to younger behaviours. Your preschooler may want a bottle again; or temporarily become more infantile by demanding food, attention and cuddling; or talk baby talk. Patience and understanding is important.

After the loss of a loved one, a child may feel unsafe and fear may intensify. Children may express concern over what will happen if the remaining caregiver dies. When a sibling dies, the child may wonder if he or she is next.

Anger is common during grief. A child may feel that it just isn’t fair or even be angry at the person who died. Acting out and misbehaving are common. A child may get into fights, withdraw or become oppositional. Acknowledge your child’s anger to de-escalate its intensity.

The Children’s Grief Education Association offers some practical tips for telling a young child about an important death. They suggest considering having someone with you when you inform your child. Keep the message simple. Say “died” not “sleeping.” Answer questions honestly, but without going into detail, unless asked.

One question often asked is whether a child should attend the funeral. The Grief Association suggests letting the child decide what to do. Many children prefer to attend, while others prefer not to attend.

A child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go. However, honouring the person in some way (lighting a candle or looking at pictures) may be helpful. Preschoolers may have a difficult time sitting through a service, but may find it meaningful when they are older to know that they had a chance to say goodbye.

If a child will attend the funeral, prepare him or her for what they will experience. Will there be a body? Will there be highly expressive people at the service? Talk about what to expect. If there is a body to view, explain that their loved one is not hurting, hungry or cold.

If your family chose cremation, explain that the body was put into a room that was very, very hot until their bodies turned to soft, powdery ashes. Assure the child that the loved one experienced no pain during cremation.

Because a young child may show little immediate grief, you might think your preschooler is unaffected by the loss. Children may not fully process a deeply felt loss until their teenage years.

Children might express their sadness on and off over a long period of time. It can be painful to be reminded of loss again and again, but children need patience, understanding, and support to complete their grieving.